Mercurial
by sasyst
Summary: Dota fanfiction - A story about the Spectre
1. Chapter 1

by Aditu

_Mercurial_. The Spectre repeated the name in their head. _Mercurial_.

It was their name, at least now. They were afraid they'd forget the name one day, as they had already forgotten everything about themself. They weren't really sure if it was their real name but it had been in their head when nothing else had remained from their life. No memory of anything. They were a spectre. _The_ Spectre because they were the strongest of all, but still a spectre. Only half present in life with a body and forever on the search for themself, for what they had been before and why they had become a spectre.

They thought they were searching forever now, couldn't remember ever doing anything else. But they forgot a lot, sometimes not even knowing what they had done the previous day.

If they could only find _something_, the tiniest shred from their past life, their memory might return. They hoped then they would remember everything.

Of course nothing would give them back their former body, whatever it had been, but they didn't want a different body anyway, didn't need one. They only wanted to _remember_.

…

When the Spectre woke up, nothing was left. The name was gone, too. Until this moment they had been different from the other spectres, being the only one with a real name, but now they were just like them. The Spectre stared at the sky above them, bright blue in the late morning, no cloud disrupting the perfect expanse. They tried to remember but it was all gone. A huge emptiness remained and the Spectre felt lost. They had always been alone but had never felt lonely like they did now. Like they had lost themself.

But since they _had_, the feeling was a logical consequence.

They wandered over the hills aimlessly. There was no place they wanted to go, so they just kept walking. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

…

"Hello Spectre." A beautiful dark spirit had addressed the Spectre. They looked at the creature, examined her and tried desperately to remember who this was. They thought they knew her but didn't know from where, or when, or even who it was.

The spirit approached them, not really smiling but with a hint of delight on her features. Her eyes were completely red and underneath black stains marked her cheeks, as if from tears. The marks seemed to be permanent, so maybe they were just a reminder from the spirits past. Her white hair flowed around her head, even though there was no wind, and it glowed slightly. Her skin was purple, or blue, or something in-between, and remains of wings, a few dark feathers, sprouted from her back. Only a few scraps of cloth covered her body, the Spectre wouldn't even call them 'clothes'. They clung to her skin as if they were stuck there.

She was a very beautiful spirit and the Spectre appreciated beautiful things.

The Spectre stilled. This thought, they had thought it before, the exact same thing. The first memory returned in a rush, including _their name_!

Mercurial_. The Spectre repeated the name in their head. _Mercurial_. _

Mercurial_. They looked at the man in front of them, an old human who sold lots of stuff, weapons, armour but also potions. The Spectre took a few things they needed. They'd come back later when they had gained more gold. _

_The Spectre was currently in a town war, still in the few minutes before the actual battles would begin. Town wars were a blessing. They consisted in a different part of the world, were only loosely connected through some kind of teleportation platforms. But because they were apart from the world like that, Mercurial was free of the urge to find herself here. Was free of almost every bodily discomfort. Of course they were still a spectre here but they were more like any other spectre, just a creature. Just one hero who fought for a town. _

_While they were here they felt almost free. Of course they wanted to find themself but they had been searching for centuries now and they were tired. They had been taking part in more and more town wars over the last years. They weren't giving up their quest in the real world but they had found nothing. Centuries long they had found _nothing_. They supposed it wasn't long before they'd stop searching entirely. _

_They didn't know what would happen then. Would they forget their name then? Would they become a spectre like any other spectre? Would they be truly lost then? They didn't know and they were afraid of it. _

_Well, at the moment it didn't matter. They were in a town war and everything else could wait. Mercurial took a look at their allies, four other heroes who came from the real world like them. All for their own reasons taking part in a town war. _

_A female appeared next to the Spectre, closely followed by a male. Mercurial had seen both in a town war before. They had done so many wars they knew almost every hero who came here on a regular basis._

"_Shendel, I love you!" The voice of the male, the Skywrath Mage, was pleading. He sounded almost desperate. But the female, the Vengeful Spirit, didn't care. _

"_Go away. I don't have time for stuff like that. And I don't care. Be glad my vengeance doesn't include you at the moment and leave me alone." She ignored him as she browsed through the wares of the merchant. _

_The Mage bit his lip. Then he reached out for the female. Before his hand touched her shoulder he stopped, then pulled back. "I can't." Pain clearly audible in every word he said. "I love you with everything I have. I'm nothing without you." He pressed the heel of his hand against his forehead and took a deep breath. "I won't give up on you." Then he left the safe zone and headed out for the battles soon to start. _

_Mercurial watched him go, watched how the Vengeful Spirit closed her eyes, her hands trembling slightly as she reached for an item from the merchant. There was clearly a long story behind this encounter and the Spectre was strangely curious. Maybe it was because they couldn't remember their past that they liked to hear about others'. This seemed to be a tragic one and they wondered what might have happened. The Vengeful, she definitely cared more about the Skywrath than she admitted. _

_Was her vengeance, as she had said, more important to her then the male? Obviously. But why? _

_There was no time to think about this now, no time to ask the Vengeful Spirit, because the war would start, and soon. They had to get to their places but since Mercurial would be accompanied by the Spirit, maybe they could ask the female later. They weren't sure they'd get an answer because as the Spirit turned away from the merchant she looked fierce and untouchable. Her hands had stopped trembling and her red eyes were almost burning from inside. Her white hair stood in stark contrast to her blue skin and her dark clothes. Not that she was wearing much, but as a spirit she probably didn't need armour or anything to protect her body. A few long feathers protruded from her back, probably the remains from the wings she'd had and definitely not enough to fly with. She must've been a skywrath, like the Mage. How did one become a spirit, and one seeking only vengeance, when one had been a skywrath before? _

_She was a beautiful spirit and the Spectre appreciated beautiful things. _

…

"How nice to meet you here. I didn't think I'd find you this far out. How have you been? Doing some more town wars without me?"

The Spectre hesitated. Had they been friends? They remembered what a town war was, but not if the two of them had taken part in more than one together.

They didn't remember why they had taken part in one to begin with. The town wars had no goal, fighting in one gained them nothing in the real life. But maybe they had known that before they had joined and that had been the reason they had taken part in it. "I…" they stared at the Spirit, unsure if they should tell her the truth. Since there was nothing to lose from it, they decided to do so. "I don't remember anything. Just, that we met, once."

Now the Vengeful frowned a little and cocked her head to the side. "We met more than once." The frown deepened. "Yet you told me this could happen." Long moments passed in silence, the Spectre not knowing what to say and the Spirit obviously lost in her thoughts. Then she smiled. "Come with me, it doesn't matter if you remember anything. You said once that you liked me, so we could just spend some time together. It has been rather boring without you and Dragonus has been persistent as ever."

They didn't know who Dragonus was but the thought of going with this beautiful spirit made Mercurial strangely happy. They nodded. "I'd very much like to join you. Where are you headed?"

"Nowhere in particular." A shrug. "I had hoped to find you here. I wanted to get away from everything and everyone for a while and around you I always felt calm. So…." Another shrug. "Where do you want to go?"

"I don't remember any places. I think I have been wandering these hills in circles for quite a while now. Just getting away would be nice. Have…" They desperately tried to remember but there was nothing. "…have we been friends?"

"We are friends." Another smile. "Spectre and spirit. How fitting, Dragonus said. Come."

Mercurial floated next to the Vengeful Spirit, who led them down the hill and into a forest. They walked forever in silence but the Spectre felt less restless, less forlorn, and the Spirit less agitated and less vengeful somehow.

…

"_Why are you called Vengeful Spirit?"_

"_Because I will avenge my betrayal and death."_

"_What happened?"_

"_I was a princess. I was betrayed. I was killed. I sold my soul to be able to take revenge. I was made a spirit and I'm killing everyone involved in my betrayal."_

…

A flash of memory. Just a tiny piece. Mercurial looked at the Vengeful Spirit. "Did you complete your vengeance?"

"No. Even though I'm quite powerful it isn't easy. And I'm still not sure what to do with Dragonus. He was a part of my betrayal but it wasn't really his fault or his intention to hurt me."

"But he did, hurt you I mean." They weren't sure if it was a memory or just them sensing the logical implication behind the words.

The Spirit nodded. "He did. But to see me like this," she gestured down her body, "it is hard enough for him. The way he constantly apologizes when he sees me, how he always offers to help me, I can't make myself hurt him. He's already hurting enough as it is. I just don't think my vengeance will ever be over as long as he is alive."

"Does it matter?"

A deep sigh. "I guess so."

It was the same with their memories and their search for themself. Did it matter if they ever found who they had been? Did it matter if the Vengeful Spirit ever completed her vengeance? It wouldn't change who they were now. They had become different creatures and they could never go back.

But for the Spirit it was different, because if she had sold her soul to be able to avenge her past she would change when she had fulfilled the pact. She couldn't be the same from before she had been betrayed, but she wouldn't have to stay a spirit forever.

"Why did you lose all of your memories?", the Vengeful Spirit asked. "Did something happen?"

"I wish I knew. But I don't think so. I began to forget about my life since the moment I turned into a spectre. It was just a matter of time before nothing was left. But I think…" they hesitated. Since there was no reason not to say it, they continued. "I think you are good for me. I begin to remember some things, from our time together, now that you are with me."

The Vengeful Spirit smiled, though it was a sad smile. "Me, being good for someone. Who would've guessed that?"

"Don't belittle yourself like that. You said we are friends, isn't that what friends are there for? To be good for each other?"

The look the Spirit cast at the Spectre was strange. They couldn't decipher it, didn't know what she was thinking. Had this been the wrong thing to say? Then the Spirit did something completely unexpected: She hugged them. It felt unreal somehow but at the same time it was the most awesome experience Mercurial could remember. Having this beautiful spirit pressing her warm body against them, her arms slung around their neck and her face lying against their cheek. She was soft all over, her almost everywhere exposed skin in full contact with the Spectre. It felt amazing.

Mercurial was sure they hadn't been touched like that since becoming a spectre. And since they couldn't remember anything from before, only this time of her life counted, anyway.

They wrapped their arms around her waist, careful not to touch the remains of the wings sprouting from the Spirit's back.

…

_The Vengeful Spirit hissed as their ally passed her and accidentally brushed her wings in the process. The male frowned at her but continued on without saying anything._

_She shot daggers at his back as he walked on. "Fucker." she muttered._

_At Mercurial's questioning look she explained: "My wings are very sensitive. They have always been like that but it got even more extreme when I turned into a spirit. I don't like to be touched there. Even less by strangers or creatures I don't like. It's too personal."_

_..._

The Spectre was almost ashamed to ask. But she had to. "What is your name?"

"Shendelzare Silkwood, skywrath princess of the Ghastly Eyrie." Her features softened as she looked at the Spectre. "You may call me Shendel."

…

"_You may call me Shendel." the beautiful Spirit said with a smile. _

_It was their second town war together and Mercurial thought they had formed a lose bond of friendship. But exchanging names, it was something special. It wasn't common to know the names of the allied creatures in the wars and only seldom did someone care enough to ask. Mercurial hadn't asked, but it seemed the Spirit had decided it was time. They felt honoured. _

"_I'm Mercurial." _

_The smile on the Spirit's face deepened and without conscious thought, the Spectre smiled back. When had they done that the last time? To smile? They couldn't remember so it had been too long. But there had been no reason to smile, before. _

...

"I remember." The Spectre stared ahead. "The longer you are by my side, the more I remember. It's all coming back, our time together."

"That's good, isn't it?" Shendel's voice was soft and she touched Mercurial's hand briefly with the tips of her fingers. It was such a normal thing to do, between friends, but the Spectre was astonished by the readiness of the Spirit to touch them at all. They weren't some normal creature, weren't beautiful or cute or fluffy or something like that. No one else dared to touch them.

They wanted to hug her again, to take her hand, to grab her. They wanted to never let her go. What a strange thing to want.

Side by side they walked on in silence while pieces of memory came back to the Spectre, one after the other. There were still huge parts missing but they didn't feel so lost anymore. They had an anchor. They had a name. They were not alone.

"Why did we stop going on town wars together?" This was something she didn't remember, yet. They had been friends, so why had they parted at all? It seemed so illogical.

"Well, it isn't as if we can fight in these wars all our remaining lives. I wanted to make progress with my revenge and you wanted to make progress with searching for your lost memories and your lost self."

Well, they didn't know about the progress Shendel had made, but they themself hadn't made any progress at all. They had ultimately lost more than they had gained. But the Spirit was right, they couldn't only live in the town wars. But, after they had lost all their memories, had lost their name and everything that had remained, Mercurial didn't want to be alone again. They didn't want to be without the Vengeful Spirit again. So, how to proceed from here? And what did it say about themself that they weren't able to be alone? Was it a sign of weakness?

Mercurial was lost in thoughts. They were not weak, at least not their body. But maybe their mind was so. They were not sure if they wanted to be this dependant on another creature. The Spirit said they were friends but friendships didn't last forever. Especially not when one of the two was a spirit of vengeance. They tended to be unpredictable, not only in their actions but also in their lifespans. What would happen once Shendel was gone?

In the worst case, the Spectre would forget everything about their life, again. They'd be roaming the world as a true spectre. No memories and no goals. In the best case, Mercurial supposed, nothing would happen. No impact of their friend being gone. They almost grimaced. That wasn't realistic at all. To lose a friend would always have an effect. Even only reconsidering otherwise was stupid. But then maybe they should use the time the two of them had together. Spend as much time with each other as possible. Don't part ways until it was absolutely necessary.

…

"_She…"_

"_It's 'they'", the Spectre interrupted. _

"_What?" The Vengeful Spirit frowned at them. _

"_My pronouns. I'm not female, so 'she' is wrong. Please refer to me as 'they' and 'them'."_

"_You are not female?" Her gaze wandered up and down their body once, taking their appearance in. The Spectre knew that they looked vaguely feminine but they didn't feel female in any way and therefore didn't like to be referred to as a 'she'. _

_The Spirit shrugged. "Okay, no problem." And resumed her conversation with their ally, this time actually using the correct pronouns. _

_That was new for the Spectre. Usually other creatures didn't understand their wish not to be seen as female or male. Most times they ignored it. Sometimes a creature tried to adapt but they often didn't grasp the concept, or forgot about it constantly. Since Mercurial had no friends, all creatures they met were unknown to them, which meant they had to tell them all about their pronouns. They had to explain or point it out over and over again, so this immediate implementation of the correct wording into the talking of the Spirit was a pleasant surprise. Mercurial almost smiled. _

_The Vengeful Spirit wasn't only beautiful but also clever and considerate. No wonder the Skywrath Mage was pining for her even after all these years. _

…


	2. Chapter 2

Mercurial opened their eyes. The sun was rising, bathing their surroundings in a soft, golden light. The Vengeful Spirit was still asleep. She looked peaceful while sleeping, relaxed. As soon as she was awake, she'd be fierce and deadly. Driven by the wish for revenge.

It was rare to see her like this and the Spectre kept watching her. She was so beautiful and they almost reached out to touch her. Her skin seemed to be so soft, her hair even more so, and even the remains of her wings appeared to be smooth. It was amazing that someone so deadly and hard could look so undeadly and mild.

A frown appeared on Shendel's face, announcing her awakening. Their eyes met and the Spirit sighed. "Good morning."

It made the Spectre smile. It was so nice not to wake up alone, to have someone around. But the following words made the smile disappear.

Shendel turned onto her back, staring into the sky. "I dreamt of the Skywraths. I'm sorry." She closed her eyes, pressing her mouth into a hard line. There was so much fury crammed into this one creature but she held it in check. Until she needed it. "I'm sorry, I can't go into a town war with you now. I need to hunt them."

Mercurial was lost for words. Fear crept up, fear at losing themself again. They didn't want to be alone. They were sure they'd forget everything again, just like before. One day, they knew, the memories wouldn't return. One day, even if Shendel came back, they wouldn't remember her anymore. They wanted to beg the Spirit to stay, not to leave them alone. But they didn't. Who were they to stand in the way of the Vengeful Spirit?

One didn't hold a friend on a quest back. One didn't hinder a friend. One should always help and support a friend, not think about one's own fears and troubles. Besides, begging would be weak. They were the Spectre, they didn't want to beg for anything. So they suppressed the rising fear. "Okay."

"I'll come looking for you as soon as I feel like I did enough. I'll come looking for you when I'm done."

…

"_I'll come looking for you when I'm done."_

_Mercurial smiled. "I'd like that. Town wars with you are good." _

"_I'm sorry, but I have to do this."_

"_Don't worry, I'll be fine." They were still smiling, not bothered by the fact that Shendel would be gone for a while. They'd use the time and try to find more information about their own past. Couldn't hurt to continue digging occasionally. _

_With a wave and a smile, the Vengeful Spirit left._

_The next day Mercurial had forgotten what they had wanted to do. They roamed the countryside, sure that there had been something, but not able to remember. Two days later, they had forgotten their name. _

…

Heart heavy with worry and fear, the Spectre watched the Spirit leave. How could they make sure to remember? There was no way as long as they didn't know what caused the oblivion. They decided to try to write it down. Everything they remembered. But hadn't they done that before?

…

_A pile of papers, filled with notes. Mercurial read it but it was like a tale, written by someone else. They didn't remember doing any of this, experiencing any of this. Had they really written it? There was their name, signed underneath every single sheet. _

_The memory of writing them was there, vaguely. Not all of this, maybe the last two pages, the things written down there they remembered. But not the rest. _

_Reading it again and again didn't change anything. This was pointless. Reading their memories didn't bring them back. It only made Mercurial more desperate, seeing what they had lost. How should they ever be able to find their past when they couldn't even remember incidents from the last week? _

…

There was no use in writing. They did it anyway. They didn't want to forget Shendel. They did anyway.

Every morning they read what they had written. And every morning they were gripped by sadness. They didn't know how long it had taken to forget everything, but it couldn't have been much more than a few weeks.

They read their name and the name of their friend, but it didn't tell them anything. There were no memories left. Nothing except this sadness and the longing to find something. Anything.

It could've been a year. They had copied the paper with the story about the Vengeful Spirit at least once because the material wasn't made for being carried around and read all the time.

The Spirit hadn't come. Maybe it was only a story and not a memory. Maybe it was all a lie. They couldn't know, couldn't be sure.

But since there was nothing to do about any of it, it didn't really matter. They had given up. They wouldn't find their memories, they were too long lost by now. They just lived from day to day now, alone and sad.

The story held a promise, from a Vengeful Spirit to come back. It took her too long.

When the Spirit appeared one day, the Spectre didn't recognize her. When the Spirit told who she was, they only had the story but nothing else. And so the sadness remained.

For days and days, the Spirit tried to help. It was no use. She had been gone for too long, the memories didn't come back.

The Spectre was so sorry but they couldn't change it. It had been predictable, they guessed. The way the Spirit acted, she hadn't predicted it. Not like that. Maybe a week after she had returned, she cried. And the Spectre's heart ached. They didn't want this beautiful creature to be sad, so they sat beside her and hugged her close. They petted her hair, marvelling in the softness of it. They stroked over her exposed back, the skin so warm against her palms. They ran their fingers slowly through the blackened feathers at her back. Had they ever touched the Spirit like that?

They wanted to remember, but there was nothing. And so they just held the Spirit as she cried, and murmured soothing words. "Maybe we can just create new memories", they said. "Maybe we don't need the old ones. You can just tell me all about yourself and if you don't leave me, maybe I won't forget it again."

"I'm so sorry I left." The Spirit sniffed, tears still running down her cheeks. "I didn't think I'd be gone this long and I didn't think you'd be this bad when I come back. You always wanted to find out more about your past, not forget the remaining things, too."

"I don't think I'm able to find anything. I don't even remember my name. When you say it, I'm still not sure it means me. How will I ever be able to find anything from my past? Things that happened so many years ago, without me knowing when or where to search." They shook their head. "It's gone. Now, tell me your story."

The Vengeful Spirit did. Her voice was still teary but the more she spoke, the calmer she got. The story began cheerful, the life of a skywrath princess at court. It didn't take long to change, though. It was a mournful story, of a betrayed princess, her lost family and a friend unworthy to be called such. A fallen princess, out to seek revenge for the betrayals she had suffered. Some of the revenge had been executed, but not all, not by a long shot.

"I met Dragonus," Shendel said. "He apologized, as he always does. I asked him for information, asked for the whereabouts of some of the skywraths. He told me without hesitation. Said he'd do anything to show me how sorry he is. Said he'd do anything to help me get my revenge. I'm not sure if he is aware of the fact that it includes him, too. My revenge won't be complete as long as he is alive."

The Spectre was still petting the Spirit, had done so through the whole story. They had probably heard this all before but it didn't sound the least familiar. "Maybe he knows." It was just a thought, a feeling.

"Yes, maybe he does."

That only made Shendel cry again. Strange, the Spectre thought. Why did she cry about someone who had betrayed her? Or who hadn't helped her against the ones who had betrayed her? Even if he had been a friend, didn't actions like that erase the friendship?

It was difficult for them to understand the Spirit. They understood why she was sad but they didn't understand why she felt torn when she spoke about the Skywrath Mage.

They understood on the day the Skywrath Mage found them. He hovered near their camp, unsure if he should approach. The Spectre recognized him immediately, not from the description Shendel had given them, but from the way the Skywrath looked at the Spirit. It was amazing, how the mage was able to put pity, love and guilt into one single gaze.

The Vengeful Spirit in contrast showed nothing of her feelings. Her features were blank as she approached the Skywrath.

"Dragonus. What do you want?"

The man hesitated. He looked at the Spectre, who had followed Shendel.

"I have news. About someone you are looking for. News with which you'll be able to get her."

Shendel didn't answer. Just stared. And for a second, the Skywrath Mage faltered under this gaze. But then he took a deep breath and visibly hardened himself. He told the Spirit everything he knew and only at the end, when she turned away from him without a response, did the mage crack. "I love you." It was a solemn statement, and he knew that he wouldn't get an answer.

Since she had already turned around, only the Spectre saw the pain that flitted over the Spirits features. She kept walking, not looking back or reacting to the words.

With a heavy sigh and probably the beginning of tears gathering in his eyes, the Skywrath Mage left.

The Spectre was sure of many things now. The man loved Shendel, with everything he had. He knew that this love would kill him in the end. And he was ready for it. He wanted to prove his love. Since he hadn't done it right before, he wanted to do it right now.

Suddenly there was a longing in their heart. A longing for love like this. Not only to be loved, but to love, as well. It would make them feel alive again.

When they sat down next to the Spirit, they saw that Shendel knew it all, too. And though her friend had been horrible, when she had been betrayed, though he hadn't behaved like a friend, she still loved him. Or maybe she just loved him now, the Spectre couldn't know that.

"This time I want you to accompany me. I have to act on this information, I have to take revenge, but I won't leave you alone again. You've been a good friend and I don't want to leave you like this. I feel bad enough about the fact you forgot everything about yourself while I was gone. That won't happen again."

It wasn't as if they had anything else to do. Without even the tiniest memory, they could only float around and, don't know, watch the landscape.

That was how the Spectre followed the Vengeful Spirit, as she killed skywrath after skywrath on her desire for vengeance. The Spectre didn't help, but they watched. They liked watching the Spirit because she was amazingly beautiful. Graceful and her movements effortless, determined and fast, she was a breath-taking sight. So much so that everything else faded into the background.

"I am filthy." Shendel peeled her blood-soaked clothes off. They were back at their camp, near the place the Spirit had found the Spectre. They had come back to it every time, probably due to the fact that the Spirit didn't have a home to return to. The camp in these hills was secluded and quiet and the landscape was nice.

And, maybe, it was also because Dragonus now knew where to look for Shendel. She didn't say it, but after the Skywrath Mage appeared for the third time, the Spectre was sure it was a reason.

Completely naked, the Spirit grabbed her clothes and weapons and headed to a small stream nearby. The Spectre watched her until she disappeared behind a tree. She had the most perfect body of all creatures they had ever seen.

Not sure why, they followed her and sat down by the side of the water. Shendel ignored them as she scrubbed the dirt and sweat and blood from her skin. The water had to be cold but she didn't show any discomfort. When she tried to get at her back and her wings, the Spectre stood up and waded into the water.

Shendel smiled as she saw them and turned her back, standing very still as the Spectre began to wash her. They took their time, first rubbing the skin between her shoulder blades clean, dripping water over he back. Next were the wings. Though they were broken, blackened and merely the sad remains of the once proud wings of a skywrath princess, they were still smooth. And very beautiful as the light flickered over the feathers, making them shimmer in dark colours, if one cared to look close enough. The Spectre cared, and they stroked through the feathers as they removed all the dirt, marvelling at the softness against her fingertips.

The wings were long clean and the Spirit already started to shiver in the cold water. With a last touch, the Spectre stepped back. Shendel sighed and smiled at them. "Thank you."

For a moment there, the smile did something to the Spectre. It warmed them, from the inside out. It was a strange feeling, yet somehow familiar. They were sure they had felt it before, and it had been connected to Shendel back then. They didn't exactly remember anything, but there was this feeling that it wasn't new. Nothing about this was new.

The memory was in Shendel's eyes, though. Whatever they had been, they had been more than simple friends. Or was it their imagination? Maybe hopeful thinking. But then, the way the Spirit looked at them, it was special. With others, no matter whom she looked at, she only had this expressionlessness, or at most disdain. She smiled at no one else. She never showed any kind of emotion except anger, never let herself be vulnerable with anyone else.

With another sigh, the Spirit left the water and the Spectre followed.

...

The Spectre woke with a start. It was pitch black night around them and they needed a moment to orientate themself. They didn't know what had woken them, a dream maybe. They didn't know when they had last dreamed, but they felt uncommonly restless. What had the dream been about? What a surprise, they couldn't remember.

Only vaguely the shape of the Vengeful Spirit was visible a few feet away. She was sleeping, her light hair grey in the night. It soothed the Spectre to see the Spirit, but as much as they tried, they couldn't fall asleep again. Since the presence of Shendel often helped, the Spectre got up, took her bed stuff, and moved it closer to the sleeping Spirit. They moved as close as possible without actually touching her, then lay down again. They were facing her, though they couldn't make out much in the darkness. It was better now, but not enough to make them sleep. So they reached out, searching until they found the Spirit's hand. They interlaced their fingers with hers and sighed as they almost instantly relaxed.

Without commenting on the change of sleeping arrangements during the night, the Vengeful Spirit prepared breakfast. They both didn't need to eat, not really, but the Spectre liked the taste of food, especially when Shendel had made it. She was extremely good at cooking. Strange, considering her upbringing. She would probably never have had to cook during her time as skywrath princess.

"Today I'll try to get to the last ones that were involved in my betrayal and my death. I assume you'll join me?" Shendel didn't look up from where she was stirring whatever was in the pot above the fire.

"Yes." They wouldn't stay behind alone.

"When I find them, my revenge will be over."

That… "What will happen then?"

The Spirit stopped the stirring. "I don't know."

"But, don't you have to kill the Skywrath Mage first? Before your revenge can truly be over?"

She didn't answer to that. The Spectre watched the Spirit but they couldn't decipher what she was thinking or feeling. If Shendel wanted the revenge to be over, she didn't have a choice. But then, if she loved the Mage, it was probably not that easy.

The Spectre stayed quiet. They didn't want to upset the Spirit.

"Mercurial," Shendel asked as they were about to leave the camp. "Have you ever been in love?"

It was a strange question, considering that the Spectre didn't remember anything from before they had met the Spirit. They tried to remember, though, if they had a feeling connected to the word. The only creature that came to their mind was Shendel. Since it was the only creature they currently had any kind of bond with, it wasn't surprising, but also not representable. They couldn't know if this was love since they had nothing to compare it with. It was possible they would feel the same about any creature they were close to.

"I don't know."

The Vengeful Spirit nodded. "I love you, you know? And I'm glad you are by my side. Whatever will happen when I have finished my revenge, I'm glad you will be with me."

The words made the Spectre smile. They stepped closer and hugged Shendel. They wished they could say something as nice to her in return, but they were too unsure about what their emotions meant, so they decided to say nothing. They simply hugged the Spirit close, until she circled her arms around the Spectre and rested her forehead against their shoulder. They stayed like that for a long while before the Spirit sighed and broke the hug.

"Let's get this over with."

It was over astonishingly fast. The skywraths didn't know what hit them and the Spectre was again washing the bloodied wings of the Spirit in the cold water. They didn't speak, didn't ask what would happen next. There was only one skywrath left who had to die. One. But this one would be the hardest.

Shendel was completely absent-minded. She barely reacted to the cold water, as if she didn't feel it at all. She barely reacted when the Spectre took her by the hand and led her back to the camp. This wasn't good at all. She didn't talk, just lay down on her bed and stared at the sky, which grew slowly dark over them.

Unsure what to do or say to her, the Spectre simply lay down next to her, so close they were almost touching, but not quite.

They woke up in the middle of the night. Shendel was restless, her sleep fitful and she tossed and turned next to the Spectre. Not wanting to wake her, they slowly stroked over her wings as she was turned away from them. They let their fingers softly glide over the feathers, then, when Shendel didn't wake up, brushed her palm over them. They repeated the motion and the Spirit actually calmed down. Her breathing evened out and she lay still.

The night was quiet around them, the moon shining through the clouds and bathing everything in a soft silver light. Shendel's wings were a deep black while her hair was so very light. Since they were awake anyway, and the Spirit seemed to like the way the Spectre caressed her, they moved their hand to her hair. It looked amazing and they itched to touch it.

It was as soft as the wings, softer than hair should be.

"Dragonus?" The Spirit turned around, her eyes barely open, her voice scratchy from sleep. She recognised the Spectre before they could answer. Shendel sighed. "Sorry, it felt almost like back then." She sighed again and closed her eyes. "Mercurial." It was a murmur, almost inaudible, before she scooted closer and slung an arm around the Spectre.

It took the Spectre a moment to process what had happened, then she realized it was rather uncomfortable, the way they were lying half on their back, half on their side and their arm stuck between them. But Shendel had fallen back asleep and it was rather nice to have her cuddled close like this. With a bit of careful shifting the Spectre found a half-decent sleeping position.

Shendel was absent-minded the next day as well. She was probably thinking about what she was about to do.

"Do you really have to kill the Skywrath Mage?"

At first the Spectre thought they wouldn't get an answer to it. Maybe that was for the best, asking the question had been stupid to begin with.

"I don't know." The words were very quiet, laced with a deep-rooted sadness. "I mean, if I don't, then I'll stay like this" she waved her hand up and down her body once, "forever. A restless spirit."

"But, you said you don't know what will happen when your revenge is over. Maybe you'll stay a spirit, then as well. Or maybe you'll vanish." That would be the worst that could happen. Because for sure the Spectre would be lost without Shendelzare. What would they do without her?

Now Shendel looked up. She stared at Mercurial with wide eyes. "I don't want to vanish." But as she said the words, the Spectre could see how the Spirit saw it as a possible outcome. It could just be the truth. "No." Where there had been indecision on her features before there was now determination. "I won't leave you."

The Skywrath Mage chose this exact moment to appear next to the camp. When he saw the Vengeful Spirit, he flinched slightly. He probably took the determination for a clue as to what awaited him. That he nonetheless stepped forward and squared his shoulders spoke of the fact he was prepared for it. He had come here knowing full well that he'd die.

He had to love Shendelzare a lot to wilfully die to bring her peace.

Mercurial felt a yearning for someone like that. Someone who would sacrifice all for their happiness.

"No." Shendelzare stood up. She pointed her finger at the Skywrath Mage. "Leave us."

"I came here to give you the last skywrath you have to take revenge on is. Myself."

"I know why you are here. It is stupid. What do you think will happen now?" The Spirit approached the Skywrath, her eyes shining with fury. "Do you think I'll tell you how much I love you and that I'm not able to kill you?"

Now the Mage backed away. He was clearly afraid, though he tried not to show it. "No, that's not what I think."

"Then what? You want me to kill you? So you won't have to think about how you betrayed me? Make it easy on you?"

"I…" He was stopped by a tree at his back. But the Spirit didn't stop. She leaned as close as possible without touching him. "No. That's not how..."

"Get away. I won't kill you today, but it has nothing to do with you. And I just might change my mind." Her eyes were blazing, her hair was wild, her broken wings were spread as far as they would go, her fists were clenched and her whole body was tense. Her voice dropped. "Leave us." Without looking at him again, the Spirit stalked back to the camp where Mercurial was watching the exchange.

They didn't know what to make of it, until Shendel dropped to her knees in front of them. She ignored the Skywrath Mage, and the Spectre was too captivated by the Spirit to care about his presence. She reached out with one hand and touched her fingers against Mercurial's cheek. "I won't leave you."

The yearning the Spectre had felt only a few moments before intensified but this time it was directed at one specific creature. And it was no yearning for sacrifice anymore, because that was what this beautiful spirit in front of them was doing right now. She was sacrificing her revenge, her freedom, to be able to stay with Mercurial.

It took their breath away, made their heart soar and their stomach flutter. And before they knew what they were doing, they leaned forward and pressed their lips against Shendel's. They closed their eyes, consumed by a wave of something, something they had never felt before.

As they separated Shendel smiled. This breath-taking smile she only ever used for Mercurial.

"I'm sorry." The voice interrupted them and the Spirit frowned. The Skywrath Mage was still there, by the camp. "I didn't understand. I…" He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for coming here. I won't bother you again. You know, it was never meant to be for me, either if you killed me or not. It was for you, because all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I always wished I would be a part of this happiness, but ultimately it doesn't matter." He smiled, a little sad, but for the first time the Spectre thought he looked like he was at peace with himself. The Mage bowed, a formal act that was extremely proper, then he was gone.

Shendel stared at the spot, sadness on her features as well. "You know," she said, "I do love him. It's just, I'm not sure I can ever fully trust him again. I want to, but as long as the trust isn't there, love isn't enough." She turned back towards the Spectre. "I love you too, and I never wondered if I could trust you. It's…" She shook her head. "I feel torn sometimes." She looked as if she wanted to say more, but didn't know how to phrase what was on her mind.

"It's all right." Mercurial took Shendel's hand. "I don't mind that you love him. Like him, I only want you to be happy. And you don't have to feel torn, I will be by your side for as long as you want me to. No matter what you do or where you go, as long as you are in this world."

With a sigh, Shendel leaned close and kissed Mercurial.


	3. Chapter 3

_The italic are Shendels thoughts, just so nobody is confused ;)_

* * *

_If I could turn back time, I'd not talk to him at all. Everything that came from this one moment of weakness was pain. If I hadn't loved him then, it wouldn't have been so devastating. If I didn't love him now it would all be easier. The moments of joy are not enough to balance all the pain. It just hurts and hurts and I want to scream until nothing of me is left. So much pain and anger and it won't go away. If I could turn back time, I'd ignore him. Beautiful angel that he is. I'd not look at him, not talk to him, not interact. Might be it would be painful as well, but only for a short time. Now it is painful all the time. _

Mercurial joined Shendel on the grass by the lake. The Spirit stared over the water, clearly lost in thoughts. Not wanting to disturb her but still wanting to be close, the Spectre sat next to her, only almost touching. For long moments Shendel didn't react but Mercurial didn't care. They didn't need to be entertained or something. They simply wanted to be there with the Spirit.

_Today I wouldn't. The love I feel is so wonderful, why would I ever not want that? He is so awesome, so cute, so perfect, I wouldn't want to miss the time we had together. Some days are hard, sometimes it hurts, but when it doesn't, it feels so wonderful. It is perfect, the way we synced. The way we were together, the way we fit, it's amazing. There is so much joy, still, when I see him, when I talk to him, when I think about him and all we did. The time we spent together, every single moment, was the best. No pain can ever take that away. It makes my heart beat faster just to think about him. After all this years, after all this pain, I still love him with every fibre of my being. _

"Today I really miss him." Shendel kept staring at nothing but she grabbed Mercurial's hand and squeezed. "I have taken my revenge, I have done everything, have killed them all. The only thing still missing is my revenge on Dragonus."

The topic wasn't new. Shendel had talked about it with Mercurial more than once, because it was the last thing for her to do. She'd be free then, free from the creature she had become to be able to avenge her betrayal. But for that she'd have to kill the Skywrath Mage and as much as she hated it, she still loved him. Or maybe she loved him again, because there had been a time she had hated him too much for anything else. But Dragonus had tried everything to held Shendel, he'd do anything for her. He'd even let her kill him for her to be free.

To take revenge on someone who so much regretted what had happened, it wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be right. Mercurial knew that Shendel couldn't do it. So now she was here, day after day thinking about what to do. Forever trapped as the Vengeful Spirit or killing the Skywrath Mage.

Mercurial was afraid of Shendel's decision. They didn't know what would happen if she completed her revenge. She'd probably vanish or something, since that was the sole reason she was still alive. Mercurial didn't want her to vanish. They loved the Spirit and without her they'd be lost. They'd be nothing. But to see her this forlorn and unsure wasn't any better. For Mercurial it was seeing Shendel sad all the time or being without her. They didn't give any advice, they simply listened. They were afraid they'd be selfish and say what they wanted and not what was best for the Spirit. So they said nothing at all.

Shendel sighed. "I want to see him but I don't know what to do then. It's useless to go to him and then do nothing. I'd still be as indecisive as I am now." She leaned against Mercurial, her head on their shoulder. The broken remains of one wing brushed against Mercurial's skin, the feathers black but still soft. "Mercurial?"

The Spectre hummed to show they were listening.

"Would you mind if I stayed like this? The Vengeful Spirit?" Her wing brushed against them again as the Spirit shifted slightly.

"Why would I mind? I only know you like that. And I love you like you are now. It is only a body, besides I'm a spectre, why would I mind your being a spirit?" That was something Mercurial cared absolutely nothing about. They had never liked Shendel because of her looks, though she was beautiful. They liked her because of who she was. "Is that something that bothers you?"

"I'm not sure. Not until I met you. But I was so beautiful when I was a skywrath princess and I want to have that back. That was one of the reason for all this revenge stuff, to become what I have been. I don't know if I'll just vanish when my revenge is over, it was never part of the pact what will happen to me. I was too full of hate and rage back then and I just wanted to kill them all. But to be a skywrath again… It's not that being a spirit bothers me, it's just that... Doesn't it bother you?" Shendel kept staring over the lake but she remained close to Mercurial, maybe even scooting closer.

The leaves of the trees behind them rustled softly in the light breeze that was blowing over the lake. Some creatures moved through the underbrush. It was quiet and peaceful. Mercurial shifted one hand to the remains of Shendel's wings and stroked their fingers slowly through the feathers. Shendel sighed and relaxed noticeably. "It doesn't bother me." They hesitated, but then continued. "You shouldn't base your decision on what you think I would like or not. Also not on what the mage might like or not. Try to think about yourself. Does it bother you to be a spirit and to stay a spirit forever? Does it bother you not to end your revenge or that the mage still lives? I just want to be with you, no matter what kind of creature you are. But I also want you to be happy."

"Do you mind that I miss Dragonus?" It sounded as if she wanted to say more, as if there was more on her mind, but nothing came.

"No, I don't mind. I know that you love me and everything else doesn't matter. I like him, he is so considerate and sweet." Mercurial smiled. The Skywrath Mage was special. They had only met him a few times, but the way he looked at Shendel, the way he always treated her, it was amazing. They didn't know if he was like that or if it was because he had a guilty conscience regarding the Spirit. If he was like that he was the nicest creature the Spectre had ever met.

"Don't you think it is wrong?" She sat up now and faced Mercurial. "Do you really think I can love two creatures?"

"Don't you think there are stranger things in this world than that?" The Spectre didn't care whether something was possible or not. Or wrong or not. They were a spectre because somehow they had lost their life and couldn't even remember anything about it. They only knew that they hadn't been born a spectre. That was wrong, and they had always thought, because of what they were, that it was impossible for them to fall in love. Yet it was as it was. "If you say you feel like that, then it is like that."

Shendel got up and paced along the lake. "For heaven's sake, I don't know what to do! I don't want to kill him, I don't want to lose you but I don't want to stay like this", she gestured down her body, "forever!" She stopped, her eyes burning with fury. "I can't have everything, can I?"

"I suppose you can't, no." Shendel hissed, about the words, not about Mercurial. "I'm sorry."

She hissed again. "Why? It isn't your fault."

"I hate to see you angry. Or sad. I wish I could do something to help you. I don't know." They wanted to touch the Spirit, to hold her and keep stroking her wings to calm her. But she wouldn't let them now.

Instead she continued to pace up and down. "I don't have much of a choice. If I want Dragonus to stay alive and to be with you, I don't have a choice at all." There was so much anger inside of the Vengeful Spirit, sometimes it alarmed Mercurial. Her hands were balled to fists, her body was tense and then she stopped, tipped her head back and screamed. She screamed all her rage out, this creature of vengeance. Beautiful and deadly at once. When she looked back at Mercurial, who hadn't moved from their position, she appeared tired. "I can't have everything I want. Now I have to decide what is more important to me." For a moment, she closed her eyes, as if to collect her strength. "Do I have to decide between you and Dragonus?" Eyes still closed, maybe afraid of Mercurial's answer.

"I don't understand what you'd have to decide there. Wherever you go, I'll follow." They would. No matter what. Without the Spirit they were nothing. They knew that it wasn't good to be this dependent on another creature, but they couldn't help it. They'd do anything for her.

At least Shendel gave as much as she got. She kneeled in front of Mercurial and took their face in her hands. "I love you. I want to be with you. But I also want to be with Dragonus. Please tell me if that makes you feel uncomfortable. I still love him, have probably never stopped. And though I'm not sure I have completely forgiven him, I want to see him and try to move forward. I won't complete this revenge, because I won't kill him." Her voice was firm, not angry but it was clear she had thought about this and knew what she wanted. She was sure.

After all this weeks of indecision, Shendel had decided. Mercurial smiled. They were relieved beyond measure. They didn't mind that the Spirit loved the Skywrath Mage. They could absolutely understand it, that she loved this considerate and beautiful creature, a wonderful angel in this cruel world. But first of all they were glad that Shendel had found her way. To see her this torn all the time had been hard. "I will."

The kiss that followed was so sweet, Mercurial could feel the love that Shendel poured into it.

Together they moved. They packed a few things before they started towards the place Dragonus was living at the moment. He had told Shendel, so she would be able to complete her revenge anytime she wanted to. He had been ready to sacrifice himself for her.

Mercurial didn't go with Shendel to the house. They found a place a bit away from it that was nice. They wouldn't interfere with them but would wait for the Spirit.

* * *

Shendel was nervous as she opened the door. She didn't even think about knocking, her thoughts completely focussed on what would happen next.

Dragonus was reading a book, sitting in a comfy looking armchair in an otherwise relatively empty room. As soon as he heard someone enter, he looked up. His eyes grew wide when he saw her, everything about him stilled. For a moment he simply stared. Shendel's heartbeat was too fast as she took him in, so beautiful with his blond hair and pale skin, his white wings spread behind the armchair. Like an angel.

Then the Skywrath caught himself. He set his jaw, a determined look on his face and stood as he put the book on the chair. He nodded. "I'm ready." There was no fear in his eyes, though he totally seemed to expect Shendel to kill him. He'd really sacrifice himself for her.

"I won't kill you." She hadn't meant this to be the first thing she said.

"Then," Dragonus frowned, "why are you here?"

The words were there, ready to be said. But to do so would change everything. Now she was still the Vengeful Spirit, alive to kill all that were guilty for her death, with a goal to achieve and an end to her wretched existence. When she accepted that she still loved Dragonus and wouldn't kill him, when she told him that, she'd forever remain a spirit. But then, she liked what her life had become with Mercurial. And since Dragonus definitely still loved her, he had said so often enough over the time, it was possible for her to have a nice life. Even as a spirit.

She was afraid, though. For years she had only known vengeance. Was she even capable of living without it? Was she even able to love?

When she didn't answer, Dragonus moved closer. He seemed to sense her inner battle, but he had always understood her better than anyone else. Slowly, he reached out and took her hand. "Shendel, why are you here?"

Her name on his lips sounded like it had back then, she swore she could hear how much he loved her just when he said it. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. He was so close and she hadn't touched him in forever. His hands were so soft, the hands of a mage. Hers were rough from wielding her weapons. He stroked his thumb over the back of her hand and for a moment she simply enjoyed how it felt.

"I miss you." She opened her eyes to look at him. He was there, his expression serious. He waited patiently, moving his thumb over her skin. Another deep breath. "I won't kill you. Ever." Still he didn't react, simply kept staring at her. She supposed she wouldn't get out of this easily. But Dragonus had always made her outdo herself, had made her aware of what she was able to do and achieve. She was able to tell him why she was here, and he knew it. He wouldn't make it easy just so she could be lazy and rest on the knowledge that he always understood her, no matter what.

It was right, she should say it. As she looked into his eyes, it wasn't so hard anymore. "I'm still mad at you. But I'm not furious anymore." She gripped his hand, an anchor in addition to his eyes. She had always loved to touch him, how nice it would be to be able to do so again. "I miss you and I want to move forward, I want to put the past behind me and have a future with you." She didn't know if he'd want that, not completely. He had been around, had helped her, but loving her wasn't the same as wanting a future with her. She was sure that he stilled loved her, though, but love alone had never been enough. "I love you." She said it, because she might know this about him, but he didn't know this about her. She had shut this part of her feelings away but it had never been gone. She gripped his hand harder. "I love you."

The smile she got then, finally, made her heart stutter. Beautiful angel.

He laid one hand against her cheek. "All this time I had to wait, it is worth it. I love you with all my heart." He leaned closer, wrapped his wings around them and kissed her. It was so sweet, as sweet as her angel could be. And for the first time since her death she felt truly at peace.

_Worth it. It was all worth it. All the pain and the despair, just for this one perfect moment. I love him. _


	4. Shendelzare

Shendel traced a finger over Dragonus chest and down where she laid her palm on his stomach. He was so soft, the white of his skin a nice contrast to her blue-ish hand. She moved her thumb slowly, savouring the feeling of him being so close. At her back, Mercurial shifted, and Shendel smiled. She was lying between the two creatures she loved and it felt amazing. They were all naked (not that it made a difference with the Spectre and not much with the Spirit) and this skin-against-skin all over was wonderful.

It had taken some time for Dragonus and Mercurial to become accustomed enough with each other to be like this, but Shendel had made it clear that she wanted them both and that this was the perfect situation. Naked cuddling for hours.

Of course she had sex, with both of them, but that wouldn't be at the same time. Cuddling was more than fine, though.

They had all not been sure if they would like it, Dragonus had suspected he might get jealous when he saw her with someone else. And Mercurial had suspected they would be too self-conscious when the Skywrath was this close and wouldn't dare touch Shendel then. Shendel had been afraid that the two wouldn't get along with each other and that she'd have to divide her time between the two.

But to be together with both at the same time was the best. It was lazy and cosy and they had all the time in the world.

Suddenly the Spectre propped themself up on one elbow. Shendel turned enough to be able to look at them. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." Mercurial shook their head. "I just…" they trailed off, then shook their head again.

The Spirit let it drop. They would answer when they were ready, no need to push it. She continued to brush her hand over Dragonus body and closed her eyes. She was cocooned in warmth and she was content in a way she couldn't remember having ever been before. Not as a skywrath princess and definitely not as the Vengeful Spirit.

She wasn't surprised when Mercurial began to caress her side, shoulder and down her arm. She was however, when they laid their hand over hers, still on the mage's stomach. She tried to turn again, to look at the Spectre, but they had moved very close and wouldn't budge.

"I…" obviously Mercurial wanted to say something but couldn't find the right words. "Dragonus, may I touch you?"

For a moment, neither of the three moved. Shendel was astounded by the request, she'd never have seen it coming. For a moment she wondered if she would mind but she looked at Mercurial's hand covering hers, already so close to Dragonus body, and it was fine. Their skin was even darker than the Spirit's and she had a sudden image racing through her head where the two were entwined, dark with light, the two creatures she loved loving each other. No, she wouldn't mind at all.

"You may." Dragonus sounded as astonished as Shendel felt. The two stared at their hand as it slowly left Shendel's arm.

"You are so soft." Mercurial murmured as she stroked her fingers over the mage's stomach. He laughed a little at that. "Well, thank you, I guess."

Shendel smiled and cuddled closer to Dragonus while she watched the languid movement of Mercurial's hand. He was warm and soft, and she loved it. But she also loved the coolness and smoothness of the Spectre behind her. This was perfect.


End file.
